May 31, 2004 – Monique
Posted by mcolver on March 28, 2009
Someone called me a heroine last week. A heroine.
I don’t want to be a heroine. It disturbed me. I was disturbed the rest of the day, and well into the night. I don’t want to be that. I’m not that. I’m just me. I’m not a heroine.
What is a heroine? And why do people think that? Somehow, doing what I want to do has turned into this . . . and I just want a semi-normal life. Normal altogether is out of the question, that just wouldn’t fit my psyche after all, would it? But semi-normal anyway.
It’s been my experience that heroines come in, save the day, return things to some sort of order, then everyone goes on to live happily ever after.
Except the heroine. What’s she supposed to do now? What happens then?
The heroine must go on and do good again, while others are settling into comfortable domesticity or finding peace. This particular non-heroine just wants to live her own life.
Well, I do. Obviously. But being a heroine leaves no room for just living. I’ve gotten better at thinking of myself, though I still feel guilty about it. There’s only so much I can do, after all. Thinking about myself first has never been a priority because it was never something I deserved. Which is just plain stupid. Of course I do. It’s a difficult thing to change though, when one is accustomed to not deserving.
I don’t want to be this heroine people imagine I am. I’m not. I’m just doing what needs to be done at this time, I like to think it’s what anyone would do, though I know, realistically, it’s not. I know this because I’ve been told this by people, by therapists, by those who see it happen elsewhere – people don’t do this, but the fact that I do does not make me a heroine. It’s just what I do.
I don’t want to be known as someone who saves people. Sure, I like saving people, when they need to be saved, it’s part of my history because I’m not sure I’m worthy if I’m not helping others, but that’s not my purpose here. What is my purpose here?
I don’t know. I suppose, like many people, I just want to make a difference. But what does that mean?
I’m not a heroine. I’m just me. And I can be pretty selfish. And self-centered. And totally un-heroine like. To be heroine-like now and then is easy – it’s just thinking of what other people need, and to give them that does not interfere at all with what I’m doing.
Okay, sometimes it does, but so what? It all comes down to choices, doesn’t it?
I choose to not be a heroine. I choose to just be me – if I do something worthwhile in that phase, that’s good. But I am not a heroine. I’m just me, and the me that I know is not at all heroine-like.
